I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
