Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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