Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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