hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize