Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
