hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
