She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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