Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
