Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
