I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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