I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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