I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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