I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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