I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
