I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
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I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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