Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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