The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
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It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
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I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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