And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
