He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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