I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
