i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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