i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
