i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
