Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
