Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
