All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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