Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
two words...techno handjob
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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