Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
