I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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