Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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