You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
