I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.