as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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