my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
