she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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