My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
