u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
