Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
