please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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