That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ladies don't puke and tell
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
