well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.