I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?