Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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