I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How's work?
Spinning.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
