I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
