Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
