Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
