Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
