Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
