Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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