i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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