I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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