When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
