Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
that is very illegal...i love you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
