First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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