I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
